Hey new dads, welcome to fatherhood, it is freakin awesome over here. You are now the spanker of bottoms, runner of milkers, and a human jungle gym. You will grab diapers full of poo, be pee’d on several times, and I guarantee your baby will vomit at least once directly into your mouth. I’m sure you’ve read all the books and have heard stories though, you’re ready. You’re ready for when your 3 year old yells “i’m not gonna touch your peanut daddy!”… Yeah, that happened. There is absolutely no way to respond to that which makes you look like less of a pervert. So when you teach her about privates and how nobody is supposed to touch anyone else’s, make sure you tell her that she also does not have to announce whose privates she will not be touching. That ain’t in the books my friend, you can read about safety, behavior, “crying it out”, gassy babies and fussy babies. You can’t read about why your son thinks its funny to shit on the tile. Yeah, that also happened. Those are the REAL treasures of raising your own kids. Becoming a father is lot like losing your virginity, you’ve heard stories and get the concept, but when it happens you’re terrified, anxious and all you’re really hoping is not to be terrible at it. Now if you haven’t read any of the books, theres a few things you’re definitely gonna wanna know. Find out what you’re not supposed to feed babies, I gave Payton peanut butter at 6 months and got lucky I didn’t kill her. I am a trained medical professional and I voluntarily gave a baby peanut butter! Turns out peanut butter is one of those things that kill babies, dually noted. Safety locks only buy you time, not safety, so watch your kids! I may or may not have been playing xbox while Payton was figuring out the safety lock on the kitchen sink cabinet. Cleaning agent bottles may make excellent forts but are also classified under “things that kill babies”. Do not argue with your children and use rational explanations, they’re either extremely intelligent or genuinely not smart enough to carry a conversation of that grade. Real conversation between Payton and I…
PAYTON: I want gummy bears daddy
DADDY: Not right now Pay, maybe later
PAYTON: Pretty please dad
DADDY: No Pay, it’ll ruin your appetite
PAYTON: But I just want gummy bears
DADDY: Pay, if you eat gummy bears you won’t eat your lunch. Besides its only 9 o’clock.
PAYTON: But I just want gummmmmyyyy bearrrssss
DADDY: You dont want a tummy ache do you? We dont eat gummy bears this early.
PAYTON: ok….. But I just want gummy bears. Just a tiny bit…
DADDY: Payton, I said no.
PAYTON: ok, I get gummy bears now.
Those conversations happen alllllll day long too. It’s a never ending battle and like marriage, you have to choose which ones you fight and when to say “ok, just eat the damn gummy bears.” I also do not swear at or around my children, just because they are going to have plenty of time to learn how to curse in public school, and that’s one less thing I have to teach them. I had this whole 1000 ways to be a good parent list, but take one trip to Safeway with 3 kids and you tell me which aisle you lost your patience. Mine was the condiments, always the got damn condiments. Payton and Tyson friggin love condiments, so I tell them “stop” “no” “put that back” “don’t touch that”, “everybody get in the cart”! Crying fits and hurtful words, kids everywhere on aisle 7, people staring like “control your kids”…. It’s horseradish, you think they really want horseradish?! Shut up and keep shopping. Its psychological warfare out there with kids. They drain you so much mentally and physically(because they don’t ever just sit) and you turn into this shell of the person you were before kids. You use every ounce of energy trying to raise your kids right and do everything you wish your parents did for you, which I believe is what you are supposed to do. So next time you see that lifeless look on some dads face while his kids are running the aisles, don’t stare, just smile and whisper “good luck dad”.