A NOTE FROM JAYME: I asked Billy to write HIS version of a birth story and this is what I got! I should be highly offended, BUT his exaggerated, blunt and highly inappropriate humor is one of the many reasons I love him. Enjoy!
OK, so Jayme had a baby and her story was beautiful… Bullshit. The idea and overall image of child birth is wonderful, but its a bloody scary mess full of aggression, panic and people losing their shit. If I may, let me recap this story with a lot of the bullet points and quote-unquotes. This isnt new information for the people who have already been through this “wonderful” journey, but for the people who “cant wait” take notes…
-MAKING THE BABY-
Have you ever “tried” to make a baby? Just good ol’ sex all the time, pull the goalie, yayyy we made a baby.. HA! You simpleton. Pre-seed, pregnancy tests, ovulation kits, freakin logistics.. The first baby is easy, bottle of cuervo and loose morals, cant miss.. But when you’re “trying” trying, it is comparable to chinese arithmatic. Do I need to wear briefs, can i still sit in the hot tub, what days am i allowed to masturbate, am i allowed to masturbate? Oh she’s ovulating, 2 weeks straight sex, no breaks.. “and thats bad becausssseeee?” Exactly what I thought until about Day 6, thats when you become a sperm donor and not a husband. She’s not whispering in your ear “I want you so bad…”, she’s staring at the ceiling wondering if she’ll have enough time to eat a bowl of cereal before you guys leave for work. No kissing, no holding hands, minimal eye contact because you gotta keep track of time. Oh and the pressure. You have to “climax”, HAVE to. Which isn’t a big deal, but have you ever pissed in front of someone staring and saying you have to pee in the next 3 minutes or they are going to murder you? Yeah, thats how it feels. Laugh now and tell yourself that you guys are different, they all come around..So short story long, making a baby is not easy..
-YOUR PREGNANT WIFE-
Mood swing, crying, Taco Bell, Mood swing, masturbation, mood swing, masturbation, yelling, break down, mood swing, crying, appointments, pictures, life savings, insecurities, mood swing, hospital. That was basically the condensed version. Its a crazy journey for both and amazing that they put themselves through all of this for you and for your family. I asked my Dad what the hell am I going to do with my crazy pregnant wife, she is driving me insane! He said “Son, Jayme is doing an amazing thing for you. She is carrying your child! Women go through these things, but she loves you and trusts you enough to marry you and have your children. So take it, thats what being a husband and a father is all about.” So don’t bag on your wife because she’s being insane and irrational. Look at it as a chance to show her that no matter how bad or awful times get you’re man enough to take it, because she’s worth it and your family is worth it.
I love this part so much because I cant make this up. Jayme asked me to call the hospital to make sure that we were on the list to be induced May 6th. I call them, then call her…
Jayme: Did you call them
Billy: Yeah, they said we are second on the list for inductions today
Jayme: So how long do they think til we’re up?
Billy: IDK, she said were #2 and to just hold tight
Jayme: hold tight? who says that? she must be old…
Billy: She sounded old… but yeah, were on the list for today
Jayme: So you didnt ask them how long?
Billy: uhhh ummm no, I didnt know you wanted me to
Jayme: well why would you call and not ask them
Billy: you just asked me to call and make sure we’re on the list Jayme
Jayme: well yeah but i told you to ask them a time also!
Billy: no you didnt Jayme..
Jayme: I asked you when i told you to call them, but you werent paying attention because(i pretty much zoned out and stopped listening after that)…
Billy: no you didnt
Jayme: Great, we literally know less than what we knew before. Nothing has changed. You called and didnt find out shit. Fucking idiot. (click)
That is exactly how we spent the few hours leading up to the call to the hospital. It was hilarious to me! I was pissed, but also knew how bad and long she has waited to give birth to Demi. So we get the call, go in, i sleep half the time, yadda yadda yadda. Enter scariest part of my life to date. Jayme has a contraction, still contracting, not going away. Demi’s heart rate is dropping and after about 4 minutes, Jayme is still holding that contraction and Demi’s heart rate is about 70bpm. A special button is pushed and 7 nurses scurry into the room and i’m at about a 7 on the panic scale. It was all so fast but in slow motion. Scariest feeling I’ve ever felt, essentially watching my daughter being crushed to death, literally, and can do nothing about it. Rage, pure unfiltered rage. I started crying, not the ugly cry, the Denzel “Glory” cry. Because i knew if I was scared, Jayme was terrified. If she saw me crying she would lose her shit. Thennnn, contraction over, we hugged, had a baby : )
We have three babies now, an almost 3, 16 months and a 7 day old. They go ape shit when music comes on, love to throw anything, walk in the bathroom when your pooping and begin asking you if you are in fact pooping, sing songs just basically naming every person they know with no rythm or iambic pentameter, spill everything, tell you “daddy’s got a gina and a butt”, look at you while they throw the dinner they begged you for on the floor, and pretty much try to kill themselves at every turn. And like many many other parents, I wouldn’t have it any other way : )
A NOTE FROM JAYME: I can vouch that although some of this is exaggerated, is is pretty true : ) haha! I thank god everyday that he put Billy in my life and that I have him for all the big AND little things in life. I wouldn’t have it any other way : )